The Eds Present: The Shining
by Mr. Dusk
Summary: Ed, Edd, n Eddy take on retelling Stephen King's "The Shining" in this one-shot story fic. Written in one day for fun. Happy Halloween everybody!


**Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy Present:**

**The Shining**

The Eds are driving up a hill to a resort hotel in their sweet van, Eddy driving, Edd sitting in the navigator chair, Ed sleeping in the back.

"It sure was nice of your grandfather to give us jobs as winter caretakers of his isolated, reclusive resort hotel in the beautiful mountains of Colorado."

"Yeah, whatever, just don't screw this up for me. This is my foot in the door to the old man's will."

"Aren't you his only living relative?"

"He's still got that stupid chihuahua..."

The Eds pulled up to the hotel, Edd woke up Ed and Eddy got out to meet with the blonde haired hotel manager who had a big smile on his face wearing matching white shirt, suit, jacket, and hat with light blue stripes, and a black bow tie, belt, and dress shoes.

"Boys, boys! Good to see you! I take it you must be Eddy."

"Yep." Eddy said as Edd opened the back door for Ed.

"And you brought your friends I see."

"We're all here for the job, where's granddad?" Eddy looked around.

"I'm afraid that the owner has already left, he sends his regards. Now, if you all would follow me, I shall give you a short tour, I'll have some of the staff bring your bags to your rooms."

The Eds followed the manager into the hotel as he showed them the lobby where many of the staff in white and light blue were preparing to leave for the winter.

"Our grand Otherlook Hotel has quite a few oddities here and there you three should be aware of. First of all, stay out of the lower basement as there's a gigantic spider down there that none of the staff want to deal with. Second, far back from the hotel is an ancient Native American burial ground that's said to bring the dead back to life, we're not sure if it's true or not, but we strongly advise that nobody tries it out. Now, at times the hotel may change it's interior or increase its size, we're still not sure why it does this, we think that a wizard did it or some time-traveler or something, but so far it hasn't killed too many people, they just get lost, so be sure to carry some rope with you whenever you decide to walk from one end of the hotel to another, might as well bring a snack since you'll be walking for awhile. Stay away from the room 1408 as it has a terrible leak and the heating doesn't work in there. There's some gigolo in a bear costume who lives on one of the upper floors. The hedge animals out front come to life occasionally and some people have seen a giant manta ray flying around from time to time but we write it off as hallucinations caused by the higher elevation. Oh, and one more thing." The manager stopped walking as the four came to an elevator. The elevator opened up and red liquid poured out of it, the red liquid splashed on all of their legs and shoes. Edd and Eddy stared at it, mouths agape, Ed put his hand down and tasted some of it.

"Hey, it's jam! Warm strawberry jam!" Ed cheered.

"Yes, but we're not sure where it comes from. It's quite nice during breakfast."

One of the midgets on staff came up to the manager who leaned over to listen to him. The manager looked back to the Eds, "Dreadfully sorry, the staff is still cleaning up and I need to help them with that so I'm having one of our handymen show you around the facility. Oh, Jonathan?"

Jonny came out of nowhere, holding Plank, "Hey guys! What's up?"

"Hey Jonnyboy! What are you doing here?" Eddy asked.

"To be the obligatory black guy in this parody."

"Couldn't we have gotten Rolf for that?" Edd asked.

"Well, we're not sure what race he is." Eddy told him.

Jonny and Plank showed the Eds around the hotel, from the library to the boiler room to the collection of weapons to the food storage.

"And, that's pretty much all you guys will need to see, any questions?"

"Ya got a bar or something here?" Eddy asked.

"Yeah, but the owner took all the good stuff with him."

"DAMNIT! Double-D, come on! My granddad must have left SOMETHING here to drink!" Eddy dragged Edd out of the room leaving Ed, Jonny, and Plank.

"So Plank says that you can use psychic powers." Jonny told Ed.

"Yup, Jib tells me the same thing all the time." Ed nodded.

"Okay, so Ed, you know all the crazy stuff that happens around here?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, they're going to try to effect you and the other Eds, mostly likely Eddy as he's playing Jack Nicholson's role. They're going to try to make him kill you and Double-D."

"Why would it do that? That's not very nice."

"Plank says that it craves entertainment, or something, I dunno, it's never really explained."

"So what should I do?"

"Use your unexplained psychic powers to keep you all safe, you can contact me through Plank if you need extra help. Also, look out for visions, they'll try to mess with your head."

**ONE WEEK LATER**

The Eds were all alone in the Otherlook Hotel. At this point, the three of them were in the lounge wearing sunglasses, button-up undershirts, long socks, and whitey tighties. A digital camera was filming them.

"Ready boys?" Eddy asked.

"Ready!" Ed yelled.

"Let's get this over with." Edd sighed.

Eddy hit "play" on the sound system, starting "Old Time Rock And Roll" by Bob Seger, Ed and Edd slid into a doorway in their socks with their backs to the camera on the first two chords, on the third one, Eddy slid in with a bare candlestick, backside to the camera.

"_Just take those old record off the shelf!"_

The Eds turned around and started to dance towards the camera.

"_I'll sit and listen to 'em by m'self!"_

Ed grabbed a tennis racket and started imitating a guitar.

"_Today's music ain't got the same soul!"_

Eddy turned around and started twerking.

"_I like that old time rock and roll!_

"Yeah, I'm not doing this." Edd walked off camrea.

"Hey! Get back here!" Eddy went after him.

Ed just kept dancing.

**ANOTHER WEEK LATER**

Ed somehow found a scooter and was riding it through the hotel. He stopped suddenly after making a turn and found Sarah and Jimmy dressed in Victorian style clothing.

"You can't play with us Ed." Sarah told him.

"No, you can't play with us." Jimmy repeated.

"Why not?" Ed asked.

"You just can't play with us, Ed." Sarah told him.

"Forever..." started Jimmy.

"...and ever..."

"...and ever..."

"...and ever."

Sarah and Jimmy left to go play. Ed looked over his shoulder at his imaginary friend Jib.

"What do you think, Jib?" Ed asked.

"That was only a vision, old sport." Jib said in what seemed to be a high society Midwest accent, "I wouldn't follow them, they're trying to kill you."

"Oh, okay. So, what do you wanna do?"

"How about some ping pong?"

"Sure!"

**LATER STILL...**

Ed and Edd were sitting in the library, Edd typing on a laptop while Ed was playing with his lips. After a bit, Ed looked over to Edd's typing.

"_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy._

_All work and no play makes Edd a dull boy."_

"What is that Double-D?" Ed asked.

"It's a writing exercise. You write out a phrase repeatedly and it helps clear your mind for creativity." Edd answered.

"Cool!"

Just then, the door to the library burst open.

"RED RUM! RED RUM!" Eddy yelled, getting the other Eds' attention. Eddy held up a bottle, "RED RUM! This is the last drop of alcohol in the whole place!"

"So what Eddy?" Edd asked.

"SO WHAT? It's only ten percent alcohol and it's just one bottle! That's not gonna last us the next couple of months!"

"You don't really need that much do you?" Ed asked.

"Says you! I'm keeping this for myself, if you two try to take some, I'll rip you to shreds!" Eddy left the library with Ed and Edd a bit dumbstruck.

Ed was the first to talk, "Double-D, is Eddy going to kill us?"

"No, he either kills the black guy or nobody. It depends on which version this is." Edd answered as he went back to typing.

Eddy went to the bar in the resort, and got out a glass, and started doing rum shots. Soon enough, a ghost bartender appeared in front of him in the form of Kevin.

"What's your poison, dork?" he asked.

"Stuff it shovel-chin, ya got any of the hard stuff?"

"Yeah, I do, but it's not for you."

"What the hell man, why?"

"Your credit isn't good here."

"Then what can I do to get it better?"

"You have to kill those other two dorks."

"Great, save my seat."

Eddy got up, left the bar, and headed for the weapons room. Inside, the weapons room, he looked over the selection. Various weapons, including pistols, assault rifles, sniper rifles, rocket launchers, grenade launchers, shotguns (one of which Eddy took to save for later), battle axes, katanas, regular axes, an impossibly large buster sword, bats with and without nails in them, the Master sword, cutlasses, rapiers, and chainsaws were on the wall. He wondered which one he would use to kill his two best friends in the whole world.

"Welp, might as well go for the most over the top and highly impractical way possible." Eddy said as he took the chainsaw and revved it up. He left to hunt down the other Eds.

On the way, he found himself going into a room on the second floor that seemed to call him there. Inside, he heard a bath running, he opened the door to the bathroom and saw Nazz taking a bath in a swimsuit. Confused, Eddy turned the chainsaw off and walked over towards the bath. Nazz got out of the tub and walked towards him. The two started making out until Eddy looked into the mirror and saw that he was kissing Lee. Eddy shoved her off, took out his shotgun, and shot Lee until the vision was gone. The shotgun ran out of shells after that. Eddy turned aside, "I don't get it either."

Ed and Edd had heard the shotgun go off, and started boarding up the library doors so Eddy couldn't get in.

"Somehow, I always knew it would end like this." Edd deadpanned.

"Wait! Jib will know what to do!" Ed told him.

"You have to call Jonny, old sport. He will help you two out." Jib told him.

"Oh yeah! We can call Jonny!" Ed shouted, and tried to contact him through Plank.

Meanwhile, Jonny and Plank were watching TV. Jonny looked over at his wooden companion.

"What's that Plank? Eddy has gone crazy and is going to kill Ed and Double-D?"

Plank stayed silent.

"And if I go, he'll kill me too?"

Silence.

"Gotcha, let's just stay here and watch Christine."

"I THINK THAT CAR IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"

Jonny laughed as the car killed the guy on TV.

"Nope, looks like we're on our own." Ed told Edd.

"Figures."

Suddenly, a chainsaw started to rip through the doors to the library and the small barricade the two had set up.

"HEEEERE'S EDDY!" Eddy shouted as he poked his head through a hole in the door.

Ed and Edd backed up as Eddy broke through the hand-carved mahogany. Ed and Edd screamed as Eddy yelled over the motor of the chainsaw as the motor soon died out due to being low on fuel.

"Oh, so that's why he used an ax." Eddy muttered, as Jib punched his lights out.

**SOON AFTERWARDS**

Edd fed Eddy some spaghetti as he was tied up to a chair with chains and rope.

"I said I was sorry! Geez!" he complained.

"Well, you still tried to kill us. I think it'd be for the best if you stayed that way until the winter's over." Edd told him.

"Boy Jib, wasn't that a close call?" Ed asked as he was playing checkers with his imaginary friend.

"Kinda anti-climatic though, wouldn't you say, old sport?" Jib asked.

**The End**


End file.
